Please, Don't Help Yourself

Customers, please don't help yourself with heavy equipment or tiny, sealed packages. The two things are just too easy to screw up or hurt yourself with. On top of that, the employees generally have to come fix it after you've forgotten where you are and how you got there.

A hint about sealed packages: They're meant to NOT be opened before purchase, not just to annoy you (which is fun to watch for us). Heavy equipment generally has a warning label on its box (not like you read though). Don't get me wrong, there are few greater joys of retail work than to watch you fall on your ass or get all worked up about not being able to open that tiny package, but please, let the people who get paid to do these kinds of things take care of them for you. I'm talking about BEFORE you attempt to open the package, not after you have failed and left a mess.

One of these days I am going to dust for fingerprints, track you down, try to help you open a jar of mayonnaise, then spill it all over your new carpet and walk out the door. I hate you.

Take A Number

Why is it people twice my age have fewer manners and common sense than I do? Didn't their parents (Oh wait, maybe they were kids in the 60's. Shit, now I just defeated my whole idea, but I'm gonna write it anyway) teach them proper manners in casual conversation with strangers?

I cannot count on this countries' fingers how many times I have been interrupted by other customers while helping a customer. Wait your *#$(*# turn! It's the polar opposite of those dumb asses with their fingers in the air that don't use their words like grown-ups, and yet it is still infuriating. OFFICIAL NOTICE: Your time is no more valuable to me than the person I am currently helping. There are 3 other employees in the store that are chatting with each other because they have no one else to talk to. If you need help, and don't want your panties in a bunch, ask one of them! I am not going to make eye contact with you, I will not acknowledge your smelly ass is standing 6 inches from my left arm, and if you interrupt me, I will simply look at you like I want to punch you, and then carry on with the courteous and patient customer right in front of me.

I wish I had one of those little machines attached to my waist so you could just pull the number and shut the hell up. I know my store's product, this is true. I probably have more knowledge of the items hanging around than anyone else in the store, fine. But is a price check or an item location worth you looking like an idiot? I don't think so. Oh, and clearing your throat, stamping your foot, or talking loudly to your friend that you are going to ask me for help, doesn't constitute an "Excuse me, Sir?"

All I ask if for a little manners and common courtesy. I will help you find what you need (although I'm sure you haven't looked yet) as soon as I am finished helping the other customers. Have a little patience huh?

Clueless Dissenter

Ok. This one has happened to probably all of us, but it is not less frustrating or laughable: You take home an item that you think will solve all of your problems. When you can't figure something out with the item and it appears as though it's not what you thought it was, you return it. Right? Seems harmless.
You take it back to the store, approach the customer service center (Or for the little guys like us, the cashier) to return it, and they immediately point out the obvious that you had completely overlooked. This situation is a little bit different from the rest of them that I have written about thus far. My issue here is more with the nature of mankind than the bottom of the gene pool of customers.
It is simply in our nature to think that the answer is not as obvious as it seems. We like to think that we are beings of higher intelligence and in complete command of other species and our surroundings. The hard fact to swallow is we are complicating ourselves every day. The shortest distance between two points is still a straight line (and if you know how to use a wormhole, freaking tell us already!).
These days our thought patterns more closely mimic the flight of a butterfly than a slug. A slug has no time for detours. Its soft body, slow mobility, and strange appearance make it an easy target for predators, the sun, and unwatched kids.
Consider appointments, money, and progress as the reasons why we slugs should move in a straight line (but without the trail of slime, unless you're Kanye West, because then you would be made of slime). If all these things are so important to us, why are we floating around like butterflies without a care (or a direction) in the world?
Back to stupid returns: The nature of us that I just described above just made you look like an idiot in front of strangers, made you drive all the way back to the store for nothing, and gave all the people around you a good laugh. Maybe a change in your approach to life (finding the simple things) would make you happier. Just saying.....

Price Check Yourself

I'm not a machine, I don't have a power cord, and I am capable of emotions and higher thought patterns. So when a customer approaches me in the middle or back of the store and asks how much an item costs, why would I know the exact price? The store I work for carries thousands of products, and quite honestly, I don't remember the prices for each individual item. There are only a few stores (like Target and Wal-Mart) that have machines all over their store that will scan an item and let you know how much it costs. For the rest of us, we have to rely on conventional methods.
Think hard now customers; where in the store would you be able to find the price of an item? Maybe if you moved your thumb, you wouldn't have to carry that heavy (5 lb.) barbeque all the way to the front of the store (How dare us make you exert effort?). I think optometrists and I should go in to business together. I cannot tell you how many times I have told the customer that the price is on the box. Then, when it finally isn't, they walk across the entire store to ask me to walk with them ALL THE WAY BACK to where the item is, only to ask me how much it costs. Seems like a lot of work for a rough estimate right? (My usual response is something like, "Gee, I'm not sure, I think it's around...") Meanwhile, the cashier who gets paid almost plainly to scan the customers items and take their money, is just standing there staring at you thinking you are a dumb ass.
Now granted, my store offers sale prices all the time, so finding the price for an item isn't always an exact science because maybe we can give you a better deal. The cashiers can tell you the price of the item, if you can get a sale price, what stores in the chain around us have that item, and if we expect to be getting more of them in soon. What more could you ask for?
Customers: I am only picking on you because I want this situation to be easier on the both of us (but mainly just me). I know manual labor is a bitch, and we are the ones getting paid to move stuff around, but take some pride in initiative and self-reliance, and take the item to the front of the store! You can't beat me, I will always have something to complain about. Unless....the common man (and for all you bra burners and razor haters, the common woman) puts forth a little extra effort in the daily life and therefore leaves me with nothing but pleasant thoughts and a sense of togetherness. I am simply an observant doubter, and I don't see that happening.



He's deaf, what's your excuse?

Please, by all means, take your time

When a store lists its store hours, more often than not the general public treats them as guidelines more than actual rules. At the author's retail location, this is no exception. The store "closes" at 9 pm but it never fails: It's 8:58 and there hasn't been a customer in the store for a cool minute. Then, there's a sound at the door; it's them, the dim-witted, slow-moving, nothing-to-do-on-a-Friday-night crew laughing and joking as they enter the building. And they're like, "Hey Yo, what time do you close, man?" And I'm all, "We close in 2 minutes, Sir." And they're like, "Sweet" as they go strolling by, like totally. #U@$*YI&$UY##IU$Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my head a million words cannot yet describe the mini-implosion that consumes me. Are you kidding me!!!??? Have you no common courtesy or respect for the employees anticipating going home on time to their families, Playstations or Twitter blogs? We too have lives, you know. If we weren't in the store working, we would certainly not be shopping at 8:58 on a Friday! And what the hell could you possibly need from a Sporting Goods store at that hour!!??

Ok, yeah sure, beer pong balls, fine. Get them, and get out! Take the party....to....tha.................PARTY.
Here's my favorite excuse: "Oh, you close at 9?" Pleading ignorance eh? That's actually believable considering if the customer can't read our ad signs, they certainly can't read the HUGE sign on the FRONT DOOR that reads, "STORE HOURS." But alas, there is little hope. I am a servant to you, Mr. Beer Pong Superstar, for I value my paychecks, and enjoy my meals. But do me a favor: The next time you come in for a late beer pong ball supply run, take me with you!

These people remind me of some of the people in this video. Enjoy:


Funny Bloopers and Stupid People Compilation - For more amazing video clips, click here

Can't See the Forest Through the Employee

Preface:
Going to a retail setting that a person is unfamiliar with is not the easiest and care free of tasks; this is understandable. The customer is not going to know where the desired item is immediately upon entering the store. However, there are specific traits that distinguish the self-sufficient customers from the ones that need their diaper changed before having their hand held all the way to the product.

CAN'T SEE THE FOREST THROUGH THE EMPLOYEE

The setting: A busy weekend day, several customers have found their way to the store, amazingly on their own without having a tether attached to their wrist on one end and the store on the other (Haha, I just reminded myself of those silly ass backpack-leash things for lazy parents again), the salesmen and cashiers are busy at work executing the daily tasks while trying to balance customer requests, the phones, and the mess left behind from customers evidently without the time for placing the item right back where they just pulled it from.
A customer walks in, and immediately looks for an employee. Why? - You ask? Well because they have no time or initiative to find the product themselves. They may or may not be in a hurry, but who cares? The employee is right in front of them and they most certainly will know exactly what he or she is looking for and exactly where to find it. However, the question uttering almost subconsciously (not a lot going on up there) is where are your shoes? Never mind that the whole back wall of the store is littered with shoes like a tinsel on a Christmas Tree.
Then the inevitable response, "On the ENTIRE back wall" which is followed by the customer replying, "Oh well could you show me where I can find these shoes?"(As the customer holds up the ad in the local paper). This questions elicits the following response from the employee: "All of the shoes on sale are located on the floor directly in front of the wall." Finally, the customer has one final statement, "Ok I need a size 10." The employee then ends with, "Ok. Go ahead and grab it right over there."
This situation happens over and over and over again until the salesmen wants to detach their ears to avoid it again. Really? You've gotta be kidding me. The powers that be gave you two eyes and one mouth for a reason. Take the hint. It is highly possible that a blind man could have found that shoes before this needy customer in Pampers. It is a strange concept that someone who has had one of their senses removed can more easily find their way than the human being who has been given everything their whole life. That gives me an idea.....Sorry closed my eyes and lost the keyboard. I'll have to get back to you. In the meantime, pull your head out of your ass.

The Lost Art of "Excuse me, Sir?"

There is a new trend emerging amid retail venues across Orange County, leaving one to ponder, "Whatever happened to the good ol' days when strangers were courteous and respectful?" The retail employee was greeted with a "Hello Sir" or "Excuse me, Sir. Could you help me find this item?"
Somehow, some way, those salutations have turned in to whistling, yelling, or simply waving. The single most infuriating way to hail an employee is putting a finger in the air as if pointing to the ceiling. Message to retail customers everywhere: You will receive optimal service from said employee if you treat them as though they are another human being: Not a servant, but an actual, air breathing, English/Spanish speaking, stranger-respecting individual.
The image the customer puts forth by waving a finger in the air immediately makes the employee not want to give his or her best effort in assisting you. The idea that the customer is whistling and putting his/her finger up because they don't speak English is like trying to put a fire out with a dry piece of wood.
And while on the topic of asking for help, this new breed of those who stamp their foot and simply stare as though their thoughts are broadcast over the loud speaker is just mind-boggling. Believe it or not, as a customer you may need to actually inform an employee you need help. Contrary to popular belief, the staff cannot see every corner of the store at all times like a fly on the wall. We all have two eyes that point forward (Crazy concept, right?). So, do the working class a favor, and use your words like a grown-up!

Great Shoppers = Terrible Parents

This is the first post of this blog. Therefore, before this installment begins, here is what this blog will primarily entail. This blog is my observations (mostly complaining with a comedic spin) in the retail workplace, and how the I view events in the workplace. There are going to be times when the reader identifies with me, and times when the reader identifies with "the customer." The customer is the primary enemy of the writer while the writer is at work, however I have been forced to get along with the enemy because they provide my paycheck ;). This blog, by no means, is intended to attack the customers I am blogging about. Instead, this bog's simple function and purpose is to allow its creator (me) to blow off steam from the day and give the reader laughs along the way. That having been said, please continue!

GREAT SHOPPERS SOMETIMES EQUAL TERRIBLE PARENTS

There are times when poor parenting reaches baffling levels. A lot of times, this occurs when parents are shopping and neglect their children. The simplest way to exhibit poor parenting skills is by becoming "entranced" with an interesting product while turning the back to the kid. To become a poor parent, the following criteria must be met:

- No regard for personal space or common courtesy
- More interest invested to the product than YOUR OWN KID
- Complete disregard for the whereabouts of family members that popped out of your womb or were created by your seed.

It is amazing how easily some achieve every point of this criteria with the greatest of ease.

Exhibit A, B, C, D, E, and F: In a retail store specializing in sporting goods up to and including heavy work-out machinery, it is imperative that the customer does not turn into the child; like a child spotting the shiniest toy from across the room and is hauled in like a mosquito to a zapper, so the customer is drawn in to the bright and shiny new exercise bike or football cleat.
Side note: Those leashes parents attach to their wrist and their kid's backpack are hilarious. At least their laziness provides laughs for the employees in the back, and the kid doesn't destroy all the displays while the parents aren't looking. If parents are going to be lazy, at least they can provide a laugh. Somethin' to think about parents ;))



Now that the customer is "entranced," what happened to the kid(s)? Oh yeah, he or she is now on the exercise equipment, jumping around on it like a trampoline at Chucky Cheese. Hmm, decisions, decisions. What is more infuriating here? The fact that our tax dollars are hard at work maintaining our public parks while the customers' kids are taken to the store to play or the idea that if the peoples' kids get hurt on that machinery, the employees will get blamed for not watching the kids? That's a tie. I hate them both equally. I am on the brink of detaching all emotion from this situation. Maybe an employee void of all emotion will not have the compassion to stop that bastard kid from falling on his huge bastard dome. Maybe if the kid falls on his dome and cries out to his mommy and daddy for help, the parents will get a clue and the kid will become too scared to play where he or she is not supposed to. Sounds heartless right? Well this writer is only fighting fire with fire. How quickly is the reader goffing in disgust? About as quickly as they turned their back on their kid and the kid fell on his face.

I leave this week's readers with this:
Watch your kids! The employees of the store you are in are not certified day care employees, it is not their job to watch your kids. By the looks of Orange County, all of your kids have fallen on their faces in this scenario. Be a part of something great: The revival of intellect in your area!