Lost in Translation

Whenever someone tells me that our public schools aren't receiving enough funding, I just laugh. This happens at least twice a shift for me: A young boy or girl comes up to me and in broken English, amidst numerous pauses, asks me to point their parents in the direction of a product. Where are the parents? Waiting for their child to come back and translate it in to Spanish for them. I love the fact that America is so diverse, a real "melting pot," but I can't stand the language barriers and the lack of effort from people who are not in this country legally. Now that I've pissed you off, I will explain: I fully understand that not every non-English speaking person in this country is an illegal alien, but if I'm going to make an attempt to help you find what you need, I would like to feel a little reciprocation for my efforts. Yes, I am paid to help these people and they are not paid to speak English, but given how hard it must be to provide for your family and communicate with the general public, wouldn't you attempt to make it easier for you and your family? For the first time in my blogs I am honestly asking for a response from my readers, as I would like to discuss this and gain perspective, even from another point of view. Hit me up.

Who Me?

Have you ever had someone just start talking to you like you're already in the middle of a conversation? For example: Someone you may know (or not know) is standing near by, happens to overhear your conversation, and decides to chime in with vital information as if they have been involved in your conversation circle from "hello." It happens to me everyday. I've got my back to someone while being busy with another customer, or frantically trying to finish a task handed to me by my boss when I hear, "Can I see this one?" The customer has just committed a small break in etiquette by skipping over the "Excuse me, Sir?" and going straight to the ensuing question. I'm gonna be honest with you readers, half the time I pretend I didn't hear because I know I can get away with it. Who knows who he was talking to? I don't. I can't seem him behind me. For all I know he was talking to his wife about her getting something out of her purse. I will literally continue with what I am doing until I get an "Excuse me, Sir?" I'll even take a "Hey man, you might showing me some binoculars?" I guarantee you will get the most attitude from me if you act like we are ol' buddies and skip the pleasantries. If you have ever had me help you in my store and have started our conversation with, "I wanna see some knives" while my back was turned, you've probably gotten this response, "Well the glass is see-through, so have at it!" Sigh, I am reminded of one of my earlier posts about hailing me for service.

A lot of times those customers make me think this is their senior photo in the yearbook:

Live from Twilight Lounge!

Disclaimer: If you have been torturing yourself by reading each one of my blogs before this one, you're in luck! This is simply a "live blog" post about my recent experience at Twilight Lounge. I will attempt to use my superb vocabulary to set the mood and put your mind in my seat. I will avoid comedy (well, I'll try) so that you can see my expert journalistic style. And away we go!

First of all, forget everything I just said. There were simply just way too many idiots floating around to let that slide. Hmm, where to start. Oh I know! How about the group of three or four guys that rolled up in matching bikes (yet four different colors) complete with glow lights that match the paint job and four semi-attractive biker girls on the back (the girls shoulda kept the helmets on). They walk in as if everyone is looking at them with admiration, meanwhile nobody strained their necks to see. They marched straight to the middle of the dance floor (Oh how the aroma of Axe body spray sauntered about the room). Oh what luck! Their favorite song was playing in which they knew every word (Yeah, trust me, they have that kinda time on their hands) and immediately they all became little wannabe Eminems. Complete with wife beaters and matching fitted hats with the stickers still on the bill, they began to attempt a dance while lip-syncing the words. The smiles and giggles of all the girls in the place only fueled the "hey look at me" fire.
For those of you not familiar with Twilight Lounge, it is a great place for loud music, free wi-fi, and Hookah. "The dance crew" felt the empty space in the middle was a dance floor, so they got busy. I was trying not to laugh (because I was choking on the Hookah, not because I would care if they saw me laughing, I fit right in with everyone else in the room) but I gotta give them props, that took brass balls, but trust me, that's about the only thing they are using their balls for. When the song was finally over, they returned to their seats and everyone who was either crying from laughter or passing out from lack of oxygen (since you don't take in any air when you're laughing so hard your cheeks hurt) and life went on as usual.
Despite the display of idiocy, Twilight Hookah Lounge is a great place to kick back with friends if you like smoking Hookah. The DJ is awesome, the big screens are great, and they have tons of Hookah flavors to choose from while you are chilling on the couches. It is located on Chapman just passed State College, within walking distance of the campus of CSUF. I highly recommend it! Seriously, come out with me some time, I can always use another finger pointing at the idiots while we share a laugh. ;)

Please, Don't Help Yourself

Customers, please don't help yourself with heavy equipment or tiny, sealed packages. The two things are just too easy to screw up or hurt yourself with. On top of that, the employees generally have to come fix it after you've forgotten where you are and how you got there.

A hint about sealed packages: They're meant to NOT be opened before purchase, not just to annoy you (which is fun to watch for us). Heavy equipment generally has a warning label on its box (not like you read though). Don't get me wrong, there are few greater joys of retail work than to watch you fall on your ass or get all worked up about not being able to open that tiny package, but please, let the people who get paid to do these kinds of things take care of them for you. I'm talking about BEFORE you attempt to open the package, not after you have failed and left a mess.

One of these days I am going to dust for fingerprints, track you down, try to help you open a jar of mayonnaise, then spill it all over your new carpet and walk out the door. I hate you.

Take A Number

Why is it people twice my age have fewer manners and common sense than I do? Didn't their parents (Oh wait, maybe they were kids in the 60's. Shit, now I just defeated my whole idea, but I'm gonna write it anyway) teach them proper manners in casual conversation with strangers?

I cannot count on this countries' fingers how many times I have been interrupted by other customers while helping a customer. Wait your *#$(*# turn! It's the polar opposite of those dumb asses with their fingers in the air that don't use their words like grown-ups, and yet it is still infuriating. OFFICIAL NOTICE: Your time is no more valuable to me than the person I am currently helping. There are 3 other employees in the store that are chatting with each other because they have no one else to talk to. If you need help, and don't want your panties in a bunch, ask one of them! I am not going to make eye contact with you, I will not acknowledge your smelly ass is standing 6 inches from my left arm, and if you interrupt me, I will simply look at you like I want to punch you, and then carry on with the courteous and patient customer right in front of me.

I wish I had one of those little machines attached to my waist so you could just pull the number and shut the hell up. I know my store's product, this is true. I probably have more knowledge of the items hanging around than anyone else in the store, fine. But is a price check or an item location worth you looking like an idiot? I don't think so. Oh, and clearing your throat, stamping your foot, or talking loudly to your friend that you are going to ask me for help, doesn't constitute an "Excuse me, Sir?"

All I ask if for a little manners and common courtesy. I will help you find what you need (although I'm sure you haven't looked yet) as soon as I am finished helping the other customers. Have a little patience huh?

Clueless Dissenter

Ok. This one has happened to probably all of us, but it is not less frustrating or laughable: You take home an item that you think will solve all of your problems. When you can't figure something out with the item and it appears as though it's not what you thought it was, you return it. Right? Seems harmless.
You take it back to the store, approach the customer service center (Or for the little guys like us, the cashier) to return it, and they immediately point out the obvious that you had completely overlooked. This situation is a little bit different from the rest of them that I have written about thus far. My issue here is more with the nature of mankind than the bottom of the gene pool of customers.
It is simply in our nature to think that the answer is not as obvious as it seems. We like to think that we are beings of higher intelligence and in complete command of other species and our surroundings. The hard fact to swallow is we are complicating ourselves every day. The shortest distance between two points is still a straight line (and if you know how to use a wormhole, freaking tell us already!).
These days our thought patterns more closely mimic the flight of a butterfly than a slug. A slug has no time for detours. Its soft body, slow mobility, and strange appearance make it an easy target for predators, the sun, and unwatched kids.
Consider appointments, money, and progress as the reasons why we slugs should move in a straight line (but without the trail of slime, unless you're Kanye West, because then you would be made of slime). If all these things are so important to us, why are we floating around like butterflies without a care (or a direction) in the world?
Back to stupid returns: The nature of us that I just described above just made you look like an idiot in front of strangers, made you drive all the way back to the store for nothing, and gave all the people around you a good laugh. Maybe a change in your approach to life (finding the simple things) would make you happier. Just saying.....

Price Check Yourself

I'm not a machine, I don't have a power cord, and I am capable of emotions and higher thought patterns. So when a customer approaches me in the middle or back of the store and asks how much an item costs, why would I know the exact price? The store I work for carries thousands of products, and quite honestly, I don't remember the prices for each individual item. There are only a few stores (like Target and Wal-Mart) that have machines all over their store that will scan an item and let you know how much it costs. For the rest of us, we have to rely on conventional methods.
Think hard now customers; where in the store would you be able to find the price of an item? Maybe if you moved your thumb, you wouldn't have to carry that heavy (5 lb.) barbeque all the way to the front of the store (How dare us make you exert effort?). I think optometrists and I should go in to business together. I cannot tell you how many times I have told the customer that the price is on the box. Then, when it finally isn't, they walk across the entire store to ask me to walk with them ALL THE WAY BACK to where the item is, only to ask me how much it costs. Seems like a lot of work for a rough estimate right? (My usual response is something like, "Gee, I'm not sure, I think it's around...") Meanwhile, the cashier who gets paid almost plainly to scan the customers items and take their money, is just standing there staring at you thinking you are a dumb ass.
Now granted, my store offers sale prices all the time, so finding the price for an item isn't always an exact science because maybe we can give you a better deal. The cashiers can tell you the price of the item, if you can get a sale price, what stores in the chain around us have that item, and if we expect to be getting more of them in soon. What more could you ask for?
Customers: I am only picking on you because I want this situation to be easier on the both of us (but mainly just me). I know manual labor is a bitch, and we are the ones getting paid to move stuff around, but take some pride in initiative and self-reliance, and take the item to the front of the store! You can't beat me, I will always have something to complain about. Unless....the common man (and for all you bra burners and razor haters, the common woman) puts forth a little extra effort in the daily life and therefore leaves me with nothing but pleasant thoughts and a sense of togetherness. I am simply an observant doubter, and I don't see that happening.



He's deaf, what's your excuse?